Ending the past...and a new beginnning

Hi all my wonderful readers

For those wonderful folk of you who have been my avid supporters and readers, and have been through this journey with me, I just want to say thank you. And it has been quite a journey.

This weekend put a nail in the box for me so to speak. It ended something for me. And moved me on. Its exciting...and fresh...and new....especially on the spanking side of things. I went to a fantastic spanking party and had the best ever time!

For some time now, I have found it difficult to write on here. I have a few blogs and have struggled to keep up with them all...and not being able to cross the different 'areas' of my life. It feels almost deceitful...and they are intertwined. I am a woman of many facets. I hate not being able to just pour out my heart, because...that is what blogging is for me. This is, essentially a public realm.

Because of this, I am ending this blog today. It will remain open, it chronicles a journey and I will still use the user login to post and comment on all my friends blogs, but I will not be posting anymore. I have opened a new wordpress account set to private where I can journal all aspects of my life in one place, in privacy. Maybe because I need that. Maybe because I need to have a place where I can be completely free and open in ALL aspects of my life. And for me, I am in a place where I want to enjoy my spankings in relative privacy...they have become private to me - and maybe the person who shared them with me too. I want to choose who I share them with...this is just where I am. They are incredibly special moments I want to write about - because I like to write from my heart...and know they are safe.

Also I am going through so many different things lately...spanking, employment, weight, spiritual....I need a place to be honest about them all.

Thank you all for your fantastic support, and I plan on continuing friendships through comments etc...without the pressure of keeping readers happy, or worrying about what I can place on here...this is a different season for me.

Many great big hugs to all of you...

Saffron

The only and final post of what really happened and where we are at now

Right. I have put off writing this post for the last few weeks. My blog has been locked for two reasons:

1. A cousin has been googling me and I needed to be sure it was 100% safe
2. Because of the changes...I decided to take some time out.

Most of you know that the '3' has split up. I have gotten countless emails, PM's and IMs on this and have decided it is time to put it all to rest. This will be my last and final post on this matter...and will contain the whole truth. It can be checked with Worzel. I have not known how to do this, so have decided to take it from the questions I have received...in email, PM or even in IM. that should cover it. Please feel free to comment, but I will not be doing another post on this subject...this blog is my journal and I have moved on.

1. I have heard Worzel is not your Dom anymore and you and J seem to be having issues, what is up?
Worzel is no longer my Dom and Jay and I are no longer friends.

2. Is Worzel Jays Dom?
Yes, as far as I know. You will have to ask them about their relationship.

3. Could you please tell me what really happened? It all seems very dramatic for Jays drunken night out.
Yes I can tell you. In a nutshell the issue was not the fact that Jay drank too much or even that she left me to walk home alone. The issue is that Jay concocted a lie over a few weeks about being in a gang. She then, that night, created a story that included a little boy of 9 years old being castrated in front of about 15 children under the age of 11, a man being killed at her instruction, once again in front of 15 children under the age of 11, and basically making me an accessory to this 'murder' for knowing about it. It included texts from Worzel telling us to go home or we are over, me begging her to not throw this away...and her saying it did not matter. It included her putting me in a place of absolute fear that I was going to be in danger of my life if I went to the police. Me holding a shaking and crying girl and stopping her from self harming when she finally came home. It was weeks of lies, me not being able to sleep...and then telling me the next morning she is a compulsive liar. This is true. Quite frankly the nature of the lie itself shows a lot of issues. I believe that Jay is a compulsive liar as she says, and does not know truth from fiction and a master manipulator to boot. This has been my experience. Since this has happened I have caught her in a few more lies. I doubt a few more things she tells me. I cannot believe anything Jay says anymore...I find more lies than truth. When children are brought into it (this gang used corporal punishment on kids as young as 9 it seems) I get worried about the person creating the lies. This is the condensed version, fully checkable, and the full truth of what happened.

So if Jay was the one who did all of this why did Worzel choose her over you?

Honestly, I don't know. That is the full story. Ask him.

Do you think you are being a bit harsh on Jay?

No. I am told that quite a few people have picked up she is a liar already. I was a bit slow on the uptake and got very hurt in the process.

Are you still hurt?

Yes. A lot of promises were made and I was dropped even though none of it was my fault. Worzel admits that and has told me I can tell the full truth on this. Which I am. Mostly because I am being asked a lot of questions, and have been blamed - due to the fact that for some reason Worzel chose Jay, despite knowing I was the one that fought to remain his sub...and being the innocent one in all of this.

There were 3 of you in this, surely you need to take some blame?

In this case, no. I am not perfect, but the reason we split up was fully Jays fault. I refuse to act as the buffer and protect Jay from the consequences to her actions.

It is your word against hers.

True. It is. However this is checkable with Worzel, ask me and I will give you a contact email. I was told I can do that. I however do not lie, and do not have a reputation of lying.

Did you ever think Jay was an alcoholic?

No. I never thought so and have always felt it was a well planned ruse to get Worzel to forgive her. Surprise surprise she now tells us she is not an alcoholic. I am not in shock. I wonder if anyone else has spoken with the Alcoholics Anonymous she went to, or the counsellor, or the Doctor...or if she ever even went. She is a good manipulator, and whilst she may have gone, I personally cannot believe she did. I predicted this would happen right at the start.

Are you sorry you ever met her?

I am sorry for the heartache she put me through and for how badly she messed with my head. I was left in a real state. My Dom who I had so completely trusted dropped me, and picking up the pieces was so hard. I was in a real state for quite some time.

Are you still friends with Worzel?

Yes and we talk almost every day. Worzel hurt me, he knows this, but his heart was right and he never intended for this to happen. Worzel remains a very close and dear friend. We will still meet up, however our friendship is a real life friendship that does not include Jay and is not dependant on Jay. As is the case with any healthy friendship. When, where or how Worzel and I talk or get together and whether we play spanking wise or not is nobodys business but ours as two adult friends. Another question asked of me is, does Worzel want to do this. Yes, and we will meet at some point I am sure and I will get a spanking I am sure. Worzel has assured me that Jay gets no say in this. Our friendship is no secret, and Worzel knows this.

Do you want to leave the spanking scene now?

Yes I did but no longer do. I was very hurt, but always knew that this scene was part of me and I enjoy it.

Would you change meeting Jflame and Worzel?

Yes and no. I am eternally grateful to Worzel for giving me a fantastic introduction into spanking. I am do, unfortunately regret the times the three of us spent together because it brought me such heartache and confusion to be manipulated so. It has taught me a lot and has made me come out of it wiser and more sure of what I want. I have also learned that I have friends who care for me. I would change the intensity of things. It was, in hindsight, too much too fast. Too intense, too fast. I read back on my blog today and just shook my head. Way too much. Where did I forget that I am a sane, strong, independant woman who owns her own body? Where did I allow myself to be manipulated into it being something different, or even start thinking something different? Or that giving that control over can only be with someone I completely trust. Where did it stop being fun? It needs to be about fun for me now.

I have seen you and Jflame are still friendly, are you still friends?

I do not class Jflame as a friend, but yes I am friendly. I am not a rude person and prefer not to make things uncomfortable for my friends, or even for our mutual friends. We are adults.

Jflame misses your friendship.

That is possible but I am not sure it is not just a manipulation. See, I cannot believe anything anymore. However, even if she does, the trust has been irraparably broken. There seems to be a competition of sorts where when something happens to me, surprise surprise it happens to Jflame next. I have also noticed a few lies that Jflame has told since. In the chatroom it is being continually rubbed in my face that Worzel is her Sir, and what THEY did...and yes it is hard. But less so than it was.

Are you worried about the upcoming party?

Yes. I want no trouble. I am there to have fun, but I do worry about what has been said about me, if anything to make Jflame look good. Once again, I am not accusing, simply stating that I would personally not put that past Jflame. Can you blame me? I also dread the questions again.

Are you bitter about what happened?

Yes - but I am healing. In retrospect, during this entire '3' relationship I had lost my laughter and joy. I am essentially a very happy carefree person, and miss being that person. I laugh a lot...and had stopped laughing. Im enjoying being me again. There was always competition and knowing that I came second to someone. Knowing my relationship was based on someone elses okay besides my Doms...was not nice. I was always on the edge. I am happier now. I still find some parts hard because I miss the friendship and I have been very hurt.

So where are you know, and what is happening now? Are you looking for a Dom and can I be your Dom?

Right now I am loving spanking. I have been to a munch, met fantastic people and am looking forward to more fun. I was spanked al fresco...have made wonderful friends...both male and female and have met people I am happy to play with in the future and possibly meet up with on a more regular basis after the party. I am taking one step at a time with the emphasis on fun. I am not looking for a Dom, I have discovered I do not want the intenseness. I do not mind accountability but that takes time. Maybe one day I will meet someone I will be happy to go into a Dom/sub relationship with...but that will be decided on then. I have learned it is very intense and do not think I could handle it outside of a loving and caring relationship. Top/spankee is different. I am concentrating on getting a job again, since the recession nullified my last job, and getting back on track with my eating, weight and fitness. I am also concentrating on loving my kink, and having loads of fun!!!! I love spanking...and I think it should be a heap of fun! I do not need to compete with anyone...I just need to be me. My security is not in having a Dom, but in being a happy, healthy me. The key focus is on enjoying my kink to the fullest in a safe way...let the good times roll!

I want to thank my old and new friends, you know who you are who have listened, advised, distracted me...and not let me give up! Amber, ruby, MW, Henry, Tony, Daisy, Davey, Sevenil, lilmis, Adrian, McP, Lottey for fixing me up with the munch and more...to name just a very few....thank you. I love you all heaps and heaps. Your support has made the difference. From now on...I just want to move on. For those whom I have forgotten...please forgive me. I just want to go back to the happy me and live a very happy spanking life. This is just the beginning.

Huggsssss and much love to all my friends.

You think you are scared?

You have no clue.

I'm scared because given my situation of having no employment, no income, living in a house with a psychotic housemate, going to Germany to spend time with the man who abused me for how many years, needing to lose 5 stone in weight....oh and my only security right now coming crashing around my ears through no fault of my own...and in some crazy bizarre fucking scenario losing my Dom because of someone elses selfish decisions not living seems a lot better than living....a lot.

Im scared because the only reason I even considered going to Germany was because I was in a safe secure Dom/sub relationship and had people here who promised me support and care...and now...I have not got that. But if I don't go...I will also lose my family....shall we have anything left for Saffy?

I'm scared because I gave out more trust than I ever have before and was told it was safe...only to be left bleeding.

I'm scared because I fought to keep this relationship whereas someone else was happy to deliberately throw it away...and seems to be the one who still maintains the upper hand.

I'm scared because for the last 4 hours I have not stopped sobbing or shaking.

I'm scared because someone who told me they loved me and I could always trust them wove an intricate web of lies and I dont know where the truth starts and the lies finish.

I'm scared because I actually can't give this kink up....but trust only one person in it so far and was promised a safe entry and would be an expert and confident before I had to leave him...and Im scared I get thrown out amongst the wolves.

I'm scared because I just don't see a point to life right now....I don't see any reason to keep going...and I definitely don't think trusting people is ever an option again

I'm scared because I think I may never find happiness or be accepted for who I am

Im scared because I'm obviously not good enough - ever

I'm scared because I was manipulated and had my head played with by a master...and now I'm paying for it and I dont think I have the funds to cover what is required

I'm scared because I do give a flying fuck about the person who goes out of His way to be there for me...and did not say quite clearly I was more interested in the two bit fuck waiting at the bar that I had not seen for 2 months over the man who gives a damn and is always there....and then somehow I'm the one who has to pay for that

I'm scared because the pain is too damn much you know that...it just is...I don't see a point anymore

So yeah...you think you are fucking scared...try being me

That darn cane

Since I am so behind on my blog.....I need to catch up on a lot. But today I actually want to start with what is on my heart...the last event. Since I am going to be in Germany for two weeks...I have lots of time to catch up on the rest! :) And there is lots!

I have been under a lot of stress lately. I am out of work at a very bad time in the UK, I'm in a new Dom/sub relationship, I'm supposed to be meeting my dad in Germany...the same one whom I have such nasty flashbacks of...and a whole lot more. I've had a lot to face in a short amount of time, and to be honest, my solution when I am scared and frustrated and stressed is to procrastinate and do nothing. Really good solution I know...NOT.

Well I have been struggling to do my CV which Sir has been pushing me to do...for obvious reasons. He has also been helping me with a budget and trying to help to get me over this hump and out of my financial mess. I have procrastinated very well in this area! The reality is I'm scared. BUT...two days ago I finally told Sir why I've been procrastinating...and how I feel every time I open up my CV to do it. We talked it through and I promised I would have it done by the time he arrives in the morning....Wednesday morning.

Well Wednesday I put it off....and I was in a chat room whilst doing it. After our role play...I told Sir that I was almost finished...he said that was fine. Later however he realised that the REASON mine was not done was because I was multitasking the chat room and the CV. Since the CV was a priority, I should not have been in the chat room in the first place. He was right. In fact I really annoyed him. The thing about this is that Sir never (well hardly ever) gets annoyed. This is a big deal. And considering that I made him angry on Sunday about this....

I was told: You were TOLD to do your CV and you didn't do it, so you will be dealt with today seriously.

Let me explain, on the Sunday I was punished....for swearing and for the CV, but was let off 'lightly' and was told so. I was also told that will not ever happen again. It was my FIRST punishment and I was a nervous wreck. I was told that next time this would not happen.

J was dealt with first...and I sat in the bedroom waiting. WAY TOO SOON J came up teary eyed and I was like....oh my. I got told: "your turn". Oh hell....I went down nervously...very nervously.

I got a handspanking first, and by the time I bent over for the cane...I was already crying. I knew I deserved this. By stroke 2/3 Sir actually came to check that I was ok. To be honest I was so overwhelmed that speaking was hard. It was like all the stress of not doing the CV...of not listening...the guilt was being released...and dammit it hurt a lot. I was getting the punishment cane...not the nice little Anne Summers cane. Sir was showing me how serious he is about my behaviour and sorting my real life issues out. After the eighth stroke I think I must have been in a bit of a state, because Sir asked me if I need to stand up. I think he asked a few times. I had to say yes...and he just said, "then stand up!" He took me to the couch and we cuddled....and I calmed down.

Sir told me that he hates punishing me, he likes play. But that he is not sorry for having to do this I need it and deserve it. See, he said it seems like I was not completely taking this all seriously, treated it all a bit nonchalantly. Well, its true. Then he told me, I have not had all my twelve strokes yet, and that I still had four to go and we WERE going to finish it. Its true. And I have my whole life long got away with prevaricating.....I think I still kind of thought I could. Get away with whatever if I really try...talk myself out of trouble.

So, over the couch I went...again and got the last four. It was NOT nice. Yep it was a deterrent alright. But...when the 'release of guilt for the CV and job seeking and not listening and procrastination and prevaricating' cork came out it released a whole lot more. I cried and cried and cried. I went up to call J and went to the bathroom and the tears came. I went downstairs and curled up with Sir and J and was in a mess. Stress of Germany, my fears...job seeking...just life...all came out. I cried it all out and J and Sir were just there the whole time. I could hear them in the background.....but did not register a lot. I just knew I was safe. I have not cried that much for a long time. Strangely Sir seeing my punishment through, and knowing that he does it for my own good, and is done with care...made me feel safer than ever before. And the pain...well it released a cork...just...there was a lot more behind that cork than we thought. I felt so much better after though. I needed it.

J wanted to play some...and I did too...though my bot was way too battered to get a spanking...so I suggested a rub.....what I got was a thorough thigh spanking...was so good!

After Sir left...I was allowed to watch a movie and chill out with Jflame....before doing my CV. I fell asleep...was awesome. Felt so much better...and relaxed.

You know what...I feel so secure now. This sealed something I didn't know could be sealed more. Having J and Worzel there....helped so much. What we have is precious. Sir mentioned that I can now say....this is not ALL fun and games, it is serious too. Its not all fun, for either of us, but...it is all good. That is the difference.

I am a happy happy subbie...and a very happy girl to have two people who care so deeply for me!

Love you Sir...Love you Jay!

Because it says what I feel....

You’ve taken me
Beyond embarrassment
And into confidence
You’ve taken me
Beyond fear
And into boldness
You’ve taken me
Beyond pain
And into pleasure
You’ve taken me
Beyond what I thought was
Into what is
And now
My world takes on a different view
You’ve brought me alive
Into enjoyment
A new type of freedom
Into security
Beyond the boundries others impose
Into a sensual extravaganza
Where pain and pleasure meld
Where life takes on passion
Where trust holds fast
And the world really fills with colours
And emotions
And sensations
Into a new kind of ecstasy.

My Birthday Weekend

On Friday I turned 27. Worzel and Jay were coming down for the weekend, arriving on the Saturday. I was excited and...I was nervous!

When they finally arrived...OH I was so excited! I ran downstairs, and we brought some stuff in...I showed them my very hot loft room....and Worzel almost whacked his head coming up!

My landlord wanted to speak to me (aka the old guy) and that took some time, since he is very old and gets distracted. I heard about his 21st birthday party for goodness sake! Then we went to the Pub for lunch and at some point, I had to mention that I had not eaten yet...and it was about 3pm. Its one of my rules. Worzel was NOT happy. I got nervous. I'm telling you. I had racked up enough punishments for that weekend. I was literally looking for exits, and since Worzel had promised me a slap or two in the pub, I was making sure he was always infront of me and that my bot was not angled toward him. Thankfully Jay say on his right hand side at the table, and since I had been rather tipsy the night before, and had not eaten, I chose to have a coke.

After...we went home and it was time for my dare. We got upstairs, and I just said, 'Ok, shall we get on with it again' and dropped my jeans and climbed over Worzels lap. Oh I'm telling you...I was dying for a decent hand spanking, and I got it. And lots and lots and lots of bottom rubs. Mmmmmm so amazing! That hand spanking should have warned me that I was feeling physically sensitive...but it was oh so nice!

I think J got a spanking after that at some point...and then I was over the knee for hand and paddle I think? Oh it was amazing...and then it was time for my 29 strokes for my birthday caning! I lay over the end of the bed....and yes it was as good as i remember....just a bit...sore? Did you all know that canes hurt? :) Seriously, halfway through, and I'm just concentrating on staying still (not working) and Worzel comes up to me and asks me how many that was. WHAT? How the heck was I supposed to know? He was teasing...just checking...it was 15. Halfway through ALREADY? Well I got my 29 (27 + 1 for good luck and 1 to grow on). It was so cool and then ran bare arsed to the mirror to check out my stripes! I was tender let me tell you...and it was not such a hard caning!

At some point I got another hand spanking over the knee I think! Pretty sure and J got her spanking with the hairbrush...two of them! So proud of you! I saw her hand the hairbrush and I grabbed two pillow to sit on (tender!) and sat with her by her head. What J did not see was that I had my hands comforting her, and Worzel was constantly checking with me that she was ok. J did so so so so good! So proud of my big sis. We sat after and talked about it, and how I had been saying I want to face my fear of belts, but not that weekend....and that I felt ready to in the near future.

Later that evening I asked Worzel if I was ever going to get the tawse. I think J had just taken some with the medium cane, and he wanted me to have some too. I needed some apparently. Go figure a Doms mind! Anyways, I had seen Worzel give J the tawse the last time, and I wanted to try it. Was looking forward to it! I was getting a dozen with the tawse before the cane.

I lay down, and Worzel lifted the tawse and I heard it. The swish. It sounded like a belt. I was over the end of the bed like I so often was as a child, and the swishing of the leather coming down and for a moment, just for a moment it was not Worzel, it was my dad, drunk and angry with those very angry eyes, and it was me, helpless and panicked, and when it landed I freaked. I knew it was not....but the flashback was so real. I think I just said, NO, NOT THAT. And I do remember Worzel saying immediately, 'OK, OK, we stop, not that' and then I was up and backed against the wall. Worzel had dropped the tawse and I think he had to tell me twice to come to him...for hugs, I'm not sure, it is all a bit blurry. And then I was, and we sat on the bed, me on one side, J on the other and there was talking, I don't remember if I said much, but I kept having the same flashback again and again...just sitting there curled into Worzel. Then I could not take it anymore. I had to try something, and I had to run away. I grabbed my laptop, and went downstairs to listen to my mama. Her music, her voice soothes me. This time, it didn't. I sat wishing I could go back upstairs....but I couldn't move. I needed it to be chased away and didn't know how. A little while later Worzel came down and I moved up for him to sit and we just cuddled. And talked. And I started to sort through it. He sat there and listened to my mama singing and just held me for ages. We went back up and all cuddled...and put the demon back in the box. I was still so shaken.

So bout the time that J said she was not going to be shaving one of Worzels eyebrows off...and then got the punishment cane, (I was no part of it) I was NOT ready for Worzel to turn around and tell me it was my turn. He was making a point I think. I was so scared and shaken up, that I just was not ready. I positioned pillows, and lay down and got up and repositioned them and lay down and got up...and was just - not ready for it and scared. Worzel stopped me on my third get up, and asked me a 'direct question' which was, am I ok? The answer was no. He just put down the cane and said, it's ok, and we cuddled. I just could not have done it.

Later that evening...I got spanked over his knee with the ruler. Ouch that thing is evil!

The next morning was chilled and quite emotional. I woke up counting down hours till they leave. Eventually when Worzel and Jay were downstairs I just lay on my bed and wept. I couldnot stop though, so they saw. Grrrrr. I really did not want to put a damper on it...and Worzel and J eventually got it out of me. It was good to know that I was not the only one unhappy the weekend was ending.

I got a really nice handspanking and then I also got the cane again, I was very sensitive so we played lighter than the last time. And then, all too soon it was goodbyes to my two favorite people, and I was waving them goodbye.

I am glad I cried it out before, because I was not an unhappy subbie left at home, but a very happy one. As was Jay. I'm seeing Jay on Sat, and staying for a week, and will get to see Worzel.

I miss them. I do. The two people I feel most comfortable to be me with.

Im just looking forward to the next visit....and like J, I feel like so much more happened, but its so special I just want to keep it private, and so overwhelmingly beautiful, that the truth is, I don't know how to put it on paper. ALL of it. Every dimension and sphere.

Hugs and big thanks Worzel and Jay!

Birthday Spanking Weekend

It Saturday...which means the start of my Birthday weekend! Today Worzel and Jay come for the weekend...and I'm super nervous AND super excited all in one go! I'm also very stressed and tired.

Its been a long two weeks, and a very emotional one too. Add to that my flatmate going psycho on me, and the fact that he may now not be kicked out...or the fact that the police can do nothing until he physically harms me...and I'm super stressed and don't know how to handle it.

Yesterday I did not do too good on the eating and drinking thing. It was birthday madness combined with loads of stress. After having a meeting with our landlord, my non-psycho flatmate and I went for a drink. Two actually. Something that Worzel had agreed to, but....I had mentioned I would eat as well. But the food was expensive. And I was buying the drinks. So I didn't eat.

Add residue medication in my body, extreme stress of the last 48 hours, an empty stomach and possibly some dehydration, and two glasses later I was well on my way. I had that 'head buzz' you get when you are very tipsy....and called Jay with a very drunken call whilst walking home.

I think I mentioned to her that I was a very good secret agent and that unless Worzel directly asks me when I ate....I would just tell him I ate (which I did after the 15 minute walk home took me closer to 45 minutes). Jay was right, I sing like a canary. I can't lie and a couple of hours later I was feeling guilty as all hell. I was tired, and wanted to sleep, but had to text Worzel to tell him what I had done because I hate hiding things from him. I just can't. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I wonder if the birthday amnesty stretches to that? It seems that whilst I was sleeping my landlord sent me a text. He chatted with housemate that went psycho, and he is reviewing it with his son in the morning. Which means psychodude may have lied (which we are kind of expecting) and it could actually turn around on us. Its the age old story, you can't protect yourself until you have actually been physically hurt. So I need to wait until this crazy man smashes my face in before I can do anything. So is my life a bit stressful? Hell yeah.

I'm looking forward to this weekend, but I am so wound up...and on the verge of tears, I just hope after some major stress relief it will go better and I will be able to chill out. I'm pretty sure I will be able to. Worzel is very good at taking control of things.

So...I will chat after the weekend...wish me and my bot lots of luck!

Birthday Reminisces...

Its my birthday tomorrow, and being the sentimental girl that I am, I can't help but not only reminisce on the year that has gone by, but also the differences between last years birthday, and this years one.

Last year, I was spending my last few days in Australia, much of it bawling my eyes out, and staying with my friends M and S. M and I woke up late, went for a very yummy lunch at Bondi Beach, walked on it, and we found out that she was having a little boy. That night, I was going to pop in at my mama and dads place, for a chilled evening, and was surprised with a birthday party. You need to understand that these people have six kids ageing from 2 to 16 (at that time). The kids had decorated the house just like they would have for one of their sisters, I was part of the family. Banners, streamers, balloons and home made cards were the order of the day. In fact I have one hanging above my bed...and a drawing too. They had also invited all my closest friends...a big surprise birthday. And what party would be a party without cake, in sickly pink icing (choice of the kids) and decorated by little hands (proof in the little fingerprints everywhere).

To understand how much each little gesture meant, let me explain. I never had a birthday party. Ever. I share my birthday with my sister. She got the attention and I never. Yes, I was born on her eighth birthday...and paid for it every year. This night, they made it my night. They told me so. It was about me. I didn't really know what to do with it...but went with the flow! The fuss made me uncomfortable, but...I learned something that night. Its ok to be made a fuss of on your birthday, as its celebrating the fact that you were born. Because you make a difference. I'll never forget being sung to and having to blow out the candles - with all of my little brothers and sisters help (and some of Z's spit - hey he was only two!)

Tomorrow...I'm giving myself the morning. I have not decided yet what that means. A walk, maybe. Reading, maybe. I have a few scheduled overseas phone calls...or skype calls...and I will be surrounded by my friends, if only in spirit. I have to organise a few things before Worzel and Jay come for my birthday weekend, (explanation is I live in a shared house where everyone esp. the boys are allergic to cleaning). If Richard makes spagetti bolognaise again, and messes up my cleaning he is DEAD! (Note why Julian thought I would be the Domme...hahahahahaha)

And then, I will probably give myself the evening too...for me. A celebration of making it this far! A miracle to be sure.

Sat, Worzel and J arrive, and the fun begins. I'm getting my first ever birthday spanking! YIPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So so so so so so so excited!

And a weekend of play for the three of us, well Worzel playing with both of us. I so desperately need it! Different to be sure!

Tonight, I say goodbye to 26...and tomorrow morning I don't have gift wrapped shiny presents waiting for me, I'm too far from those who love me, but I do have the memory that in my 26th year I:

- Lived in three countries

- Finally stood up to my mother and told her to cut it with the manipulation

- Became close to my brother, who I was not close with at all

- Played in the snow (deep snow) for the first time in my life

- Went sledding down a slope for the first time in my life

- Went on holiday to Hong Kong for the first time (my first visit to Asia)

- Took the brave decision to actually get spanked after 17 years of fascination

- Met J and Worzel...and entered into a Dom/sub relationship with Worzel

- Had a laptop bought for me by the generosity of a virtual stranger

- Got my first ever spanking, caning and a whole lot more

- Started a really exciting journey...and told my first vanilla friend about my kink

I wonder what 27 is going to hold for me....my hope is...many, many spankings!

A weekend of spanking....

Friday, is my birthday. I'm a whole 27 years old. Man I feel old!

But...on Saturday Worzel and Jay are coming over. And they are staying the night. After we have our long talk that we have to have (hopefully it won't take too long)...we are in for fun!

Firstly, I am due a birthday spanking (I think caning was mentioned) but it will be my first ever birthday spanking. I cannot wait. I am so so so so so super excited. Yipeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!! I don't know what it will be...but I think its going to be awesome!

Secondly...we (Jay and I) have been promised before bed and before breakfast spankings! Oh yeah! And I'm guessing there will be a whole lot more spanking in between!

Then of course there is the punishment spanking I am due and will get. I don't want it hanging over my head longer than this weekend, and I do need and deserve it...but I'm NERVOUS! Hell!

Truth is though...the last week or two have been very stressful. Losing my job, being sick, having someone will me 24/7 for two weeks who is not a spanko...lots of emotional stuff etc, which has been blogged on by both J and I, and I need stress relief. Seriously. I'm dying for a decent spanking. I'm seriously desperate.

So despite the nervousness, and there is a lot...especially considering the damn house I live in and my damn housemates...I can't wait. *grins*

Ok...well, thats it for now...roll on red red bottoms...and a few stripes too!

What you didn't know about me...

So this is kind of a me-me...25 things about me that you didn't know...or I think you didn't know...grins...spanko and non-spanko related...and possibly partially X/R/G Rated dependant on what country you live in and which rating you use to describe it!

1. I have lived (not visited), lived in six different countries in the last 3 1/2 years and in an 18 month period lived in four different countries. I have been in six countries in the last 24 months. Can you guess I love travelling?

2. My favorite city and place is Sydney and my favorite view is the Sydney Opera house...it just feels like home and chokes me up every time.

3. I cannot legally live in the country that most of my biological immediate family lives in, neither can I legally live in the country I consider to be home and is home to my adoptive family.

4. I was a professional showjumper for a few years and have jumped a 6ft2 high, and 4ft wide fence on a horse that was 2/3 of the height of the fence.

5. I am currently writing a childrens book.

6. If I won the lottery I would move to Africa (with a spanker) and spend the rest of my life loving the unlovable...and giving a home to unloved kids.

7. I was born under African skies, and am African to the core...and I miss the open African sunsets every single day of my life.



8. Cooking relaxes me completely...I love to cook, but only if I can feed people

9. I'm a frustrated mother...I cannot wait to have kids.

10. I have and am considering becoming a surrogate mother for family members who cannot have their own kids. Something I never thought I would do...but would for these people - I have seen their pain.

11. I have spun around so fast that I fell over (a few times) and all of those times were in the last 18 months.

12. I have, ummm a few times, laughed so hard I fell off the chair I was sitting on....or the bed...or ended up leaning against the wall...and sliding down it laughing only to find out I was in the gutter. HEY, at least I was happy! And...you may have noticed, I laugh with my whole body.

13. I believe that every person, whatever their situation, status or, well no matter what has treasure hidden inside them that is just dying to come out, and that love gives them that.

14. I try to feed or at least extend touch to every homeless person I meet, and I try to give them value for who they are when I do that. The person who has most humbled me ever, was a homeless man.

15. I want my own children, but I also want to adopt a rainbow of children who grow up loved, and secure, and take on the world, without any racial discrimination because their brothers and sisters are all different.

16. I am incredibly sentimental. I almost always drink a Mocha Fruppachino at starbucks, with cream because this reminds me of LAX and meeting my friends hubby and new born baby for the first time. I just have to wear a ring, bracelet or necklace that was a gift to make me feel secure. I only have to listen to one of my mama's songs and I am right back at home.

17. I plan on not only completing my childrens book this year, but also another book...which I have not decided on yet, possibly fiction.

18. My first thought when Worzel had me over his knee the first time, for my first spanking, after the 'don't fall over' thoughts...was 'this is weird?' followed by 'the floor is dirty' and then 'what am I supposed to be thinking?'...those thoughts changed by the way!

19. I have open tear ducts, they are inherited from my dad in Aussie...he has them too! Only, I cry like I laugh, with my whole body. I cry when reading, in a movie, when hugging someone who is hurting...or when I think a happy, sad or sentimental thought!

20. I think kids can teach us how to live and be happy. I believe we should listen and learn from them more often. I also believe, they should be the most protected things on this earth.

21. I was petrified that I would hate the cane, as it exists in most of my fantasies (that and hand) and was so happy that I loved it. Now...I think I have a love/hate relationship with it - and I crave it...but crave a decent hand spanking more...and I don't crave it in the punishment sense but do in play.

22. 2 months ago if you had told me I would be in a Dom/sub relationship and giving my body and control over to someone...I would have laughed at you - hard. Now I need this relationship...and am loving it with all its trials and tribulations - I need this.

23. The two people I have trusted fastest in my life were Jay and Worzel. It was immediate, something that is not usual for someone as cautious as me.

24. The people I miss most all live in Australia. I have about 15 people there that I consider to be family - closer than my blood...I am blessed.

25. I believe that forgiveness releases me, and frees me from the control of those who have hurt me. Going to Germany this year will be very hard, and I hope to beat my fear of the belt, or at least start before I go and meet with the one who put that fear in me. I will arrive with victory. Oh yeah...now you know Worzel...no pressure, I'm just going in a couple of weeks...

26. I believe that laughter chases away fear.

27. I have lived depression, childhood physical and sexual abuse, fear, shame, self harming and suicidal thoughts...and beat them without any medication. I have fought hard for happiness and life...and have been surprised in the last few weeks to find that I still have some childhood strongholds and insecurities to break out of.

28. I love without reservation, without expectations...and as such, hurt deeper...but forgive easily...because I have been forgiven much. I try not to do grudges (I don't always get it right) and never do them with those I love (not for very long anyways).

29. If my family found out I was a spanko I'd have an excorcism team over at my house, and the entire family (extended) would know about it, I'd never be able to see my nieces and nephews...

30. I hate the flip flop but I really hate hate hate hate hate the touch your toes or hold your ankles position...really hate it...in fact it could reduce me to tears even if I was told to do it...HINT HINT Worzel! I don't think I could handle the cane in that position...grrrrr...even the thought has me freaked out.